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User blog:Malurus2000/The Lord of the Hats: The Two Towers, Book 1.
Hmmm... Frodo came down this way... Hey, look, it's a comfy chair... *Hears the sound of a horn.* What?... Kepomir!!! *Begins rushing towards the horn sound.* Leqolas: Nameless, they're Bohrok! Bohrok we'll nonetheless fight! *Goes up to Kepomir, who is lying on the floor from wounds.* Kepomir, speak to me! Kepomir: I... I tried... Taking the Hat from the halfling... I was a Derplersomir... I... They took the other two! Macedonia, Pohatu... Hrrngh! Do not worry, brother from Gondor, you may have been a Derplersomir, but you are truly a Kepomir now. Kepomir: x_X Kadihi: Well, too bad that happened. Let's hold a funeral and send his body down a river like civilized... Beings. Leqolas: *Hauls Kepomir into boat.* Whoo, man, you should lay off on those lembas- *Kadihi and Nameless glare at him.* Oh, yeah, right, sorry, but I'd like to see YOU carry him. *Kicks the boat to continue down the river.* The Hat-bearer is in capable hands with Starwars Gamgee, but we cannot let our friends... Well, are they our friends? I mean, we hardly know them, and they've practically done nothing really major in this comedy... Ahem, anyways, we must not let them be subjected to torment, now who's with me? Leqolas: I am! Kadihi: For the plot's sake, I'll do it! *** There are some Bohrok shells here... They are of Malron's Bohrok, meaning that Solek's Bohrok won their argument. Wonder what it was about. (An hour earlier...) Malron's Bohrok: No, no, NO! Justin Beiber is a good artist, he's just misunderstood! (Present.) Must've been something huge. Anyways, onwards! *Starts running.* Kadihi: *Catches up.* ... How can you guys run this fast? I'd say... That's a ko- *** Here's a Le-Matoran cloak, we must be close!... Hey, look, there's some Toa! RIDERS OF ROHAN, WHAT NEWS FROM THE MARK? ???: Mark Surge has nothing to say, and is an enemy of Rohan! Well, we're not enemies of Rohan. Are you? ???: Of course not, I am Eomer, nephew of our King Theoden. Leqolas: And he is The Nameless Text, the heir of Isildur! Eomer: So the legends are true and walking! But what brings you two here? Two? There's three of us... *Looks behind him.* Kadihi?... Kadihi?... Kadihi: *Shouting.* I'm coming! No need to rush!... Eomer: Fine, what brings an invisible being, a Le-Matoran, and an Onu-Matoran over to Rohan? We are searching for Hobbits captured by Bohrok of Solek. Eomer: Well, me and my company were just destroying Bohrok with the Hand of Solek on their sheilds. Kadihi: *Gasp. Wheeze.* Were there any... Hobbits?... Or... Some survivors? Eomer: None survived this battle. Well, where are the shells piled? Eomer: Over by Fangorn Forest. Leqolas: I'm going to say something, because this section is surprisingly lacking in my pressence! *** The Hobbits... They're not dead, they were able to escape the battle and go into Fangorn... (Earlier...) Pohatu: You know something, Macedonia? Macedonia: What's that Pohatu? Pohatu: We should probably get off the battlefield. Macedonia: How? Pohatu: We could probably go into the deep, dark forest that's known to almost be cursed in some senses. Macedonia: OK, sounds like a good plan. *Gets up and walks with Pohatu as lovely destruction follows their wake.* Pohatu: What a lovely hill to climb. Macedonia: Let's climb this lovely tree. Treebeard: I ain't no tree, boi! *Grabs both Hobbits.* I am a tree shepherd, an Ent! I speak for the trees! In fact, there's a book based off me called "The Lora-" Pohatu: IT'S TALKING!!! Treebeard: I won't talk if there ain't no rhyme, it's called tree-rapping, something I started in my prime! Macedonia: It's worse, it's RAPPING! Treebeard: Solek, he's a big ol' jerk, choppin' down the trees as though it don't hurt! We're gonna teach him a lesson, that's for sure! Me an' mine are gonna rap battle, ya see, and when we come to a decision, Solek's over, dig me? (Present.) Let's follow these tracks up to this hill... Wait, Leqolas, what's that your Le-Matoran eyes see? Leqolas: A bunch of trees... And a white wizard. Kadihi: Are you going to allow me to speak, or am I going to be just as minor of a character as Giml- Do not let him speak!... I mean, the wizard, because he'll cast a spell on us. Not totally just trying to cut off Kadihi and tell him not to speak. ???: Hello ol' chaps. AUGH!!! ???: My, you scare just as easy as I remember. Remember?... Is that you, Guudalf? Guudalf: Guudalf, yes, that's my name, Guudalf the Grey is what they called me. I'm Guudalf the White now. Why, is this because of some sort of racia- Guudalf The White: No, it's nothing like that! It's to symbolize that I'm the new head of the Council, after I have slayed the Malrog. *** Guudalf: Here is Edoras, capital of Rohan. Is it just me or did you totally skip over the fact that you're riding on Shadowfax, King of the horses, which is sorta a big deal? Leqolas: No, he did that in the in-between space that is symbolized by the three dots. ... Why are we breaking the fourth wall in this one so much? The Fellowship of the Hat hardly had any of that, if any at all... Kadihi: I'd say it's a kons- *** Guard: Halt! We may not allow you to go in with so many weapons. Mini-Lewa: *Sighs, puts down bazooka, and walks in, making his cameo.* Guard: Well, that was unusual... Hey, you four! You can't go in so armed! Dangit. You know, this sword is a legendary sword, Anduril, reforged from the shards of Narsil, so you better treat it like it's your life. Leqolas: And this bow was gifted to me by Galidriel of Lothlorien, so I hope that I entrust it to good hands, otherwise I'll cut them off. Kadihi: And this belonged to my cousin Donse, so guard it wel- Guard: Alright, I get it, don't let anything happen to your weapons! Gee. You gonna give me that stick, wiz? Guudalf: Oh? You really wouldn't part a wizard from his magic staf-erm, walking stick, would you? Guard: Guess not. Go on in. Kraatalips: Why did you let a wizard in with his magic staff?!?!?! Guard: ... *Starts whistling.* Kraatalips: You are not welcome here, Guudalf the Grey... Guudalf: Shut your lips, Doom Viper! I am here to speak with the king. Theoden: Kiiiiiiing?... Guudalf: Yes, you. Take your sword, which I conveniently have, and regain your strength. Theoden: Sure. Guudalf: Seriously? Theoden: Why not? Guudalf: I don't have to reveal that I'm Guudalf the White or have to draw out Solek like poison from a wound? Theoden: Naw. *Grabs sword, starts using it as if it were a weight-lifter.* There we go. *Grabs Kraatalips by the lips.* Get out of my sight, Doom Viper. Kraatalips: Gets out of sight. Theoden: You're supposed to get out of sight, not say "gets out of sight"! Kraatalips: *Gets out of sight.* Theoden: Anyways, who wants to ride to war with me? *** Messenger: Hate to break it to you, but there's an army of ten-thousand strange Bohrok, of an unnatural breed. Theoden: Then our army shall defeat them in Kanohi's Deep. Guudalf: I will go out and find other men and riders to assist us. I'll be back. *** An army of ten-thousand Bohrok... This shouldn't be too bad. *** Bohrok-Kal: We are the fighting Bohrok-Kal, the breed of Toa and Bohrok! Face us now! Defender: Can't some of you guys fly over our walls?... Bohrok-Kal: ... Nooooo, that's Bohrok with the Krana Vu on it. Defender: Well, then, why didn't they send a bunch of Bohrok with those to fly over our gates? Bohrok-Kal: Just shut up and fight us already! We are the fighting Bohrok-Kal! *** Kadihi: Ha, I've gotten twenty-fou- Leqolas: Forty-two! Kadihi: That's not possible, I'd say that's a konsp- *** We're holding up pretty well, I'd think. Bohrok-Kal: *Rolls into wall, crumbling it.* Aw, well, shoot. *Waits a few seconds.* No, literally, shoot them. *** Theoden: It's hopeless... No it's not, if you ride out with me. Theoden: Sure. Wow, you are really easily persuaded, aren't you? I mean, Kraatalips was able to keep Solek's power over you, and Guudalf was able to convince you of getting out of it, and now you were hopeless and I was able to persaude you to ride out with me? Theoden: Umm... Well, you give hope to others, as Vezrond says in the third movie. WHAT IS WITH THE FOURTH-WALL BREAKING? Theoden: Fourth wall? There aren't four walls in Kanohi's Deep! ... I give up. *** Theoden: Whee! Riding horses is fun, smacking the living daylights out of Bohrok-Kal! Haha! I haven't had this much fun since I was... Well, I was fighting off the Rahkshi... Bohrok-Kal: Is it just me, or did a forrest just appear out of nowhere right behind us?... Guudalf: *Smashes Shadowfax into Bohrok-Kal.* I'm back. Bohrok-Kal: Wait, did he seriously just make a reference to Termin- Guudalf: Yes, if the "I'll be back" didn't tip you off, then I thought the "I'm back" after smashing into something with transportation would have! Bohrok-Kal: Huh, I guess since we're being attacked on two sides, let's all just go in that random forest behind us, since trees aren't alive in this realm, right? *Watches as all the other Bohrok-Kal retreat into the forest.* Haha! Suckers! Everyone knows that the trees are alive, and you're probably all dead by now... Oooh, I do love a good prank. Well, at least I'm the one that got away. *Walks away casually.* Well, that went well. Who's ready to drink some win- *** OH C'MON DID YOU JUST SERIOUSLY DO THAT TO ME INSTEAD OF KADIHI?!?! Kadihi: I thought you said you didn't want to break the fourth wa- *** Guudalf: Come, we must now go to Isengard. Theoden: Then lead the way. See? You're so easily persauded! Theoden: Hush now, hope-bringer, whom keeps none to himself. Actually, I hope to get married at the end of this series. Leqolas: Are we literally going to keep smashing the fourth wall? Kadihi: I'd sa- *** Whoa, what happened here? ???: Welcome, my lords, to Isengard! Kadihi: Of all the konspiracy-laiden things, if it isn't- Pohatu: Hey! Macedonia: Hallo! Treebeard: Yo, y'yo yo, yo. If you don't mind, I'm going to stay here and drink with the Hobbits. Leqolas: Count me in! Kadihi: I'd say that's a konspi- Guudalf: Theoden and I will go with Treebeard. Theoden: OK. SERIOUSLY? You're so easily persauded! You'd rather go with a gangsta-tree-shepherd than party with us! Theoden: Whatever. *** Treebeard: Yo, I've got things to say, y'know? A story to tell, a rhyme to flow. You see, Solek was a bad dude, he was actin' all crude. So me and the Ents, we decided, to rap all day, no matter if they fight it. So we c'ntinued to sing while we smashed all the weird gizmos and the funny contrap'ns. Couldn't break the tower, no matter how we tried, Solek let fire try and burn our hides. So what do we do, but break the dam, flooding the place, wettin' the land? Then after that Guudalf came, he asked for a forest to fight real lame. Then this funny guy-thing, Kraatalips they call 'im, came to the tower, last I saw 'im. He be with Solek now, as far as I can tell, and for all I care, he can go to... Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa... "Maldor" does not rhyme with "tell", yo. *** Well, now that we're done partying, should we join the others? Macedonia: Might as well. Guudalf: So, you finally decided to join us, just after we were done hearing that... Ent-rap, so that you can witness some real action? Leqolas: Pretty much! Guudalf: SOLEK!!! Come out from your hiding place. Now, everyone be wary, he can speak enchantment. In fact, he spoke a whole group of people into a cult once as a practical prank, but that grew way out of hand- Solek of the Rainbow: Here I am- WHY DO YOU GUYS TITLE ME THAT?!?! SOLEK OF THE MANY COLORS! SOLEK OF THE MANY COLORS, YOU HEAR ME? Weirdo. Solek of the Many Colors: Ah, now that's better. But why now must you disturb me from my rest? Can I have no peace night or day? I know two of you by name, Guudalf, however, I know too well to seek any of my counsel. But you, oh Theoden, greatest king in the West, whom I have longed to see for a great time, and as a friend, not an enemy! Is it too late for my counsel to be admired by such a noble lord? Kadihi: The wizard's words are a konspiracy, for help means ruin and saving means slaying, there's no dou- Solek of the Rainbow: Peace!... Did you seriously do that to my title again? Fine, whatever! Anyways, I am not speaking yet to you, Kadihi, son of Kaj, as these concerns are far from you or your homelands, though it must be great courage you have to come out on business not your own. (Finish this later. :|) Category:Blog posts